I Remember

I remember my first crush. I was four, I got started young.

I remember upgrading from my dull beige training bra to my white A-cup bra when I was 12. It was from Macy’s. My sister was shocked. As was I. I looked so different. But better than I had with a tissue-thin cloth covering me.

I remember getting dressed up for my first school dance in the 6th grade. I had a date, too. He was great. I wore a dress from Forever 21 but it was too short so I wore rolled up leggings underneath it.

I remember wearing this old Maybelline mascara that I stole from my mom’s makeup bag. I liked when it clumped.

I remember feeling super confused my sophomore year when my hips got wider and I thought I was going to tip over.

I remember falling in love with the squish around my tummy. It was around the fall of 2016. 

I felt the triumph in being a woman. The golden ray around the word, ‘female’. A beautiful thing to be. With forward thinking, curves, colorful ambition, bright ideas and a heart full of love to give.

I remember laughing when I heard the word “sex”.

I also remember feeling uncomfortable around an older male neighbor we had.

I remember having a sense of responsibility trying to protect my sister from the same man. 

I remember when I was 11 years old and boys in my class would slap my ass. I didn’t know what to do. If I told them to stop, they would laugh.

I remember when I heard guys in my 7th grade class making fun of how female anatomy looks.

I felt the threats that come from solely existing as a woman. The laughter I would hear in response to my own defense. The fear I had burning inside of me when I knew his hand shouldn’t be on my knee but had no idea what to do.

I remember October 5th, when women in America were safer. And each day following, we regained another ounce of what we had lost.

I remember the saying, “never meet your heroes”. I never had to meet them to lose them.  As each day another one came crumbling.

And I’m glad.

I remember getting angry at men that weren't celebrities or accused of something, yet.

I remember being at the gym and feeling ready to defend myself even if it was just one comment.

Each day, I’m ready to take back what was stolen from our story of womanhood.

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Annie BehrensComment